The tickets sit on the table, taunting me, making my stomach turn. I have been excited at the prospect of them for a long time now, but as the time creeps closer I can’t help but feel sick. ‘She’s six months old’ I keep reminding myself. ‘She will be fine’. The words however don’t help to subside this feeling of dread or the tears which begin to appear in my eyes whenever I think of it. Mothers-guilt.

I have spoken about mothers-guilt in previous posts on here. After talking to many new mothers at different parenting groups I came to understand that mother-guilt is something that most, if not all, new mothers feel.

Every decision I make as a new mother is riddled with guilt. Unfortunately, I am naturally a guilt ridden person. I used to say that my internal engine was fueled on guilt. It is a trait I work hard to overcome. With the introduction of Abby into my life this fuel has taken over.

Even before Abby was born I felt this guilt about any decision I made. Once she arrived it only got worse. I felt guilty about having an epidural during the delivery. Guilty about having to use a vacuum to get Abby out. Guilty about missing the outgoing patient group before leaving the hospital. Guilty about taking Tylenol and Motrin to help with the pain from the stitches. All this before I had even left the hospital. Once at home these feelings didn’t change. For the first few days I was surrounded by a support system that encouraged me, telling me I was doing the right thing; squishing the feelings of guilt and insecurity. However, when these supporters returned to their lives the guilt train rolled into the station.

Hormones can be crazy. Post pregnancy hormones even more so. They make me think irrational thoughts, such as I’m a bad mother, I’m a failure, and that I can’t do anything right. I know deep down these thoughts are unfounded, however they are difficult to suppress. To help overcome these feeling of inadequacy I have a small saying or mantra. I look at my daughter and repeat ‘I deserve you. I am a good mother.’ The trick is to really believe it…and it works.

In the six months since Abby came along I have come across new areas of guilt. I should have been teaching her baby sign language earlier, I don’t take her to every play group under the sun, I should read her a new book every day, I shouldn’t ever have the TV on in the house, and I’m doing everything wrong when it comes to solid foods. The list goes on and on. But the solution is the same. Repeat those important words and do my best.

So that bring me back to the tickets on the table. ‘I deserve you’ I tell them quietly, ‘I am a good mother’.